She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
