Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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