How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
