I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
