I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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