I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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