remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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