the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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