JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
