His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
