Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hippo gnu deer
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Randomize