if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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