A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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