i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
