Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
