I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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