i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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