Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
