Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
