Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
