Don't make out with my wife yet
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
