Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
