worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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