Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
