Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
