Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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