Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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