i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
