Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
