ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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