So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
