stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize