Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
