I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
