i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
