i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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