I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
