JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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