I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
