I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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