we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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