R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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