FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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