He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
