I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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