I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
