I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize