we have pet lesbian snakes
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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