There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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