i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
