I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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