Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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