Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
