you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
