this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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