Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
