i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
