the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
