Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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